Bamboo Laughing

You selflessly gave me the go-ahead

I passed through your steely gate

wings barely touching the latch

Unintentional haste

Been running into you ever since

Running into you

to get away from myself

 

I’ve smoked until I can’t breathe anymore

The crutch has run its course, no longer serving

I can’t stand the smell or the feel

These toxins swirling

 

Don’t be so eager to hold me

I’m the only one who can find me

Lately I’m brutally flying around your window

Throwing back guttural calls into the wind

Asking you to glide me out of this essential storm

But I’ve realized

All the finger pointing I do

Never meant to

Never meant to

 

This is isn’t the answer

It’s not the way

I could be around you if it’s not too late

…words you hate

 

Rain is swelling for the fall

Prepared to bring forth imminent gratitude

as the clock turns away

 

Eventually a new face

But for now

It’s too late

 

 

 

A quick and sloppy post….

 

I am a mess. 

Fortunately, my sister V arrived from back east to spend a week with me.  We took down pictures, moved furniture, packed boxes for Mr. Worm to take.  A lot of crying, some healthy laughing, a bit of drinking.  On the final night of her stay, we drove to my favorite drive-and-sit spot, back end wide open, bottoms perched on my rear bumper.  Dusk had just unraveled its purples into a cloudy sky.  The air felt frozen and cracked from the latest winter snow.  Wind mill’s stood like cold giants up on the hill, non-responsive but ears wide open…silent listeners.  In V’s lap was an 18 count carton of eggs and a sharpie pen.  She started by saying I could do anything I wanted with these eggs…there are no rules.  She handed me the first one.  I looked it over in my palm.  The words future dreams were written in black. 

"This represents the dreams and hopes you had taken away from you in the last month." 

I looked at it.  This fragile egg.  My hopes?  My dreams?  Taken.  Tears came and filled the brims of already burning eyes. 

I crushed the egg with my hands. 

It was a strange feeling of release, followed by laughter as egg matter landed all over us.  More eggs followed with symbolism drawn or written across each shell.  Some of them I threw far off into the field. Most of them I smashed with my left fist, several times, while holding them in my right hand.

I was surprised my knuckles were bleeding.
V was surprised I punched most of the eggs.
"I wasn’t expecting that."

I lit a cigarette.  My first cigarette through this ordeal.  I’m not a smoker….but then, just a month ago I wasn’t getting a divorce either.  Shit happens. 

I felt better after smashing all those eggs.  A lot of anger was processed.  I’d been expressing my anger in the wrong direction:  at Mr. Worm.  A carton of eggs and a sister at your side is Far More Useful to me right now.   

After all the egg smashing, V asked me what I saw.  I looked at the egg carnage that spread out before us, around us, even on us.  "Everything broken."

She handed me the empty carton of eggs.  

"In time, you’ll fill this back up.  New dreams.  New ideas.  A new you.  A new life."

 This journey began without any fair warning.  I’m in it because I must be, because there is no other choice afforded me that exists within my value system.  I believed.  I was let down.  Where to go from that?  You can’t keep mashing down or lovingly coaxing a square peg into a round hole.  Stupidity keeps you trying.  Courage tells you to put the square peg down, release it - and open up to another idea.  Be willing.  Receive.  Allow yourself to be transformed through the hurt, the pain and the work involved in starting over.

The first seed I wish to plant and nurture at the beginning of this path is the ability to keep letting go, each day, while still holding on to what is left that does matter.  I’m a mom of three amazing boys.  That’s three.perfect.eggs already sitting in my carton.     

The adrenaline rush that comes from a sudden heartbreak can be so painful you could swear your experiencing true heart failure….the blows in the chest are like glass stabbing pains of a heart attack.  The tears come and choke you, punching the air out of your lungs.  The only breathing that happens is while screaming from the pain, the rage.  The only movement you can make are the involuntary body shakes and the mindless circles your feet step into while doing all that screaming.  Then…you suddenly go numb and quiet.  Until the tears come and don’t stop..they are without end.

 

It wasn’t like that this time.

 

The logical side of me says it’s because this has happened far.too.many.times.  I’ve been here A lot.
The emotional heart within me says it’s because it has turned blue from me holding my breath for so long…that I’m shutting down from the utter exhaustion of believing in a marriage that has long ago lost it’s right for belief at all.

It all came to an end on Monday.  The day my marriage ended in all ways except on paper.  As Mr.Worm was moving his luggage out the front door (I’m so grateful he finally agreed to leave), I stood over him on the balcony overlooking the living room.  My thoughts recalled another day, more than 10 years ago, when I stood in that very same spot.  I was looking down at an empty living room then….we hadn’t moved in yet. 

It was the house we wanted.  We had just signed all the papers and clutched the keys excitedly as we drove to the address.  Standing at the front door was pure excitement.  Mr. Worm took a photo.  I turned the key and we walked inside, toting a baby son who was six months old.  The hardwood floors, the perfect shade of green carpet (yes green…I love this carpet).  As we roamed the rooms we made plans.  I came to the balcony area and stood there, soaking in the idea of all that was to come… the emptiness of a home waiting for us to fill it with our kids and our memories, the echoes of laughter and dinner plates and laundry going. 

But then, like a black hole overtaking that memory and sucking the picture away, I realize I’m currently witnessing the very last day of being Mrs."Him".  From this moment on, it would all unravel.  We were no longer those two people who once moved in, carrying a baby and hearts full of joy, love for one another.  We were so excited for the future.  What we didn’t know was the future held years of dishonest business traveling and the refusal to communicate openly, be real with me.  Affairs separated us and eventually we reconciled….a couple of times.  With some therapy and working to get clear again, new agreements and promises were made.  And so, with this last, latest and greatest development, it is very clear:  There is no where left for us to go.

And my heart is right.  I’m exhausted.

* * * * * * *

So….TUESDAY is the day I’m choosing to focus on.  Tuesday sucked just as much as Monday.  However it was also a very clear & defining moment.  The day of a new beginning.

I prepared our youngest for preschool and myself for the courthouse.  I let Mr.Worm know, in fairness.  I told him he could come and file with me as co-petitioners or I would file alone - either way, it was getting done. 

I shouldn’t be surprised that he arrived at the courthouse before me.  I shouldn’t be surprised that he’d already penned in half the information on forms that we both printed from the courthouse website and brought with us.  I also shouldn’t be surprised that, even though I had to really fight to get him to leave me on Monday night, 24 hours later he’d seem all too happy to stand in line as we waited to begin the process of ending our marriage.  He commented on the color of things, he felt they should open another "Domestic Issues" window so the line wasn’t so long.  I wanted to carve out his stomach.  Instead I tried to picture a heart over his head.  The heart appeared as a very dark and murky color.  Wasn’t working.  So I decided to picture a heart over my own head.  This heart appeared rich in red and seemed glad to get my attention.  I went with that.  It worked well enough to keep my emotions under my sternum instead of spilling all over the marble flooring.  As we left the courthouse, I walked quickly.  I turned to say goodbye to him.  He was gone.

 

And so, I begin again.

Yesterday I spent some time with my middle son.  We drove along my favorite road through the foothills.  We got out to talk and take pictures of the views.  He said "I’m really glad that dad travels for his job.  If he didn’t, I’d be crying right now…but since he does, It just feels like he’s on another trip and I’ll see him soon."
I hugged him tight.  He did the same.  The sun was warm on our skin.  The wind was swirling.  We got back in the car and continued down the road.

It comes and goes in waves….

An article "Don’t Carpe Diem" is something to read…..

Click Here.

And on a much more serious but most beautiful note….one must read this too, by one of my favorite writers who i also knew while growing up back east (yes, I consider myself lucky for she is something quite magical to know):

the apocalypse. {or this season’s post}

or even better, listen to her read her own words, here. 

 

Love to You

We have a great horned owl in our area who has made himself known off & on over the years.  My oldest son & I have seen him the most.  Lately, he’s been singing to me in the night - perched either on the roof above my bedroom or on the silver maple towering outside my window.  I’m never awake enough to peek out the window and see him, but I’m aware enough to hear him and feel a smile on my face. 

I’ve asked the boys if they have heard him in the night too, but they say no.

The picture of my life appears to be going through a great transformation right now, and it’s becoming quiet painful to even think about, though I know that I must.  I’ll need to dig really deep through this.  Currently, the ruckus that my reaction is throwing around within has me sleeping too much or not enough.  So it’s interesting to me that I hear him only when I am truly resting.

 

PS

Some good news:  I’ll be on a soul-digging road trip to see one of my courageous friends by the ocean soon….what a delight. 
Can’t.Wait.

Today’s random pick-up-a-book-and-read must be shared.  It comes from a quirky fun but honest book called "how to be HAPPY, dammit".  The author is Karen Salmansohn. 

It goes like this:
Life Lesson #13  
If you want to change your life, you  must first be ready to see and feel some painful truths…
Like, boy have I been leading the life of an idiot.  In fact, I put the I in Idiot… 
And who wants to see that?  Not You.
You like to see yourself as 100% Superman with 0% Clark Kent.

Your problem?
You are both.

But in your version of this Superman/Clark Kent story, you walk around in your Superman outfit…
and meanwhile, in your secret identity, you are really the fearful, wimpy Clark Kent.  You’ve foolishly tried to increase your super power status by improving upon your tights - making them flashier, ritzier - and on occasion flinging your cape in other people’s faces. 

Meanwhile, it’s your weak Clark Kent secret self that needs the bolstering.

Otherwise, all you’ll ever be is a wimp in fancy tights

who can’t fly.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

That last line makes me laugh.  And then, I smile, sigh…and think…Yep:

GUILTY!

I’m so caught up on how to keep up with who I want to be, I forget to feed the person I am who is becoming.

One of the first, real big signs that I’m getting out of the loop with myself is this: Resistance.  Once I resist that simple walk around the block, or I resist taking 5 minutes to sit and notice my very own breath, or I resist getting to the gym or yoga, —- any level of resistance Should.Be.A.Sign.

My message today:  Stop resisting.  Stop going going going going (the thoughts, the agenda, the computer - whatever train is railroading you right now).  Just STOP, in your tracks.  Take a minute, five minutes, a day, a weekend!  But mostly - this moment.  A moment.  Any moment.  GO.DO.That.Thing. which makes you feel right with yourself.

I just happened to catch a posting on Facebook made by a friend who regularly meets with friends over lunch, crafting and conversation.  She wrote:

I’m full.

full of food. full of friendship. full of ideas.

My immediate reaction when reading that:  Aw. I want to be that, too, right now.  Trying to remember what that really good reason was that I had for cutting my own circulation off.  But nevermind because its nothing.  Really.  In the big picture of things, it’s nothing - at least nothing that can’t wait.  ALL of it can wait.

Last night I had a dream that I was with my ex’s family for a friendly get-together (not unusual) and my hair was ALIVE with Honey Bee’s (not usual). 

They didn’t harm me…they simply collected in my hair in heavy, mass amounts.  I tried to wiggle them off, walk "out" of them - anything to gently "lose" them for fear of being stung.  Nothing worked.  They weren’t hurting me, but were very insistent on staying with me.  It’s as if they were telling me that I was their hive.  Each time I tried to shake them off, only some would lose grip and these would buzz around and simply recollect.  As a whole, they created a great yellow glow of energy around my head - all different shades of yellow from the brightest pale to the deepest mustard.  They’re busy buzzing created waves that looked like flowing mermaid hair in a sea of water.  

This image is sticking with me like honey (ha) so I’m busy searching for facts and ideas based around honey bee’s.  My favorite summary of facts (wow….what a thorough job and highly interesting read) can be found here.  Even better is a note sent to me from one of my favorite artists, Laurie aka Primal Painter.  This is what she lovingly took the time to write me:

***************

So about the dream, wow. That’s an awesome dream! Because you were aware of the color yellow and saw it as a cloud of energy, I wonder if it’s an indication of the third chakra which is located in the solar plexus, right below the breast bone in the center. it could be that your third chakra is trying to get attention because it needs some work, or perhaps its opening up, expanding, and blossoming. I’d say it was the latter since you didn’t seem to feel any anxiety, although you did try to walk out of it because of possible stinging. That could be an indication that it’s something new and maybe a little challenging to accept.

The third chakra is about self esteem and intellect, thought processes, analyzing. It also acts as a filter to bring information from the upper chakras such as the third eye (intuition) down into the lower earthly, physical chakras. The fact that it was around your head is interesting. That would seem like a thought process kind of area. Are you trying to figure something out? Solve some problem? Maybe your third chakra is trying to tell you to let go and go with the flow of intuition. Notice how possible outcomes for a problem feel. Do they make you cringe and tie up in knots, or do they make you giggle and get buzzy goosebumps. Did you hear buzzing from the bees? If you did, was it harsh or was it fine? Many times I’ll hear a buzzing noise when I have energy channeling through me at high speed. But there have been times when I’ve interpreted the energy of a person or situation as a harsh disturbing buzzing, and that for me, usually indicates something inharmonious. A high, fine buzz around a person feels harmonious. Dreams and energy are so fascinating arent they!

*************

Wow Laurie - thank you so much for sharing your wisdom on the topic.  Things you said really hit home.  I’m needing to soak it in a bit… as some very personal things are changing quickly around me right now and it’s not easy.  Thank you so much for sharing….I really must take more time to soak all of this in (my research, your words, the dream itself) and let it churn and flow. 

In the meantime, while searching for any kind of artwork that might come visually close to what I experienced in my dream, I couldn’t really find any.  I was hoping to find something that showed the flow of energy these bee’s so busily created around me.  Lot’s of beautiful "energy art" exist but I couldn’t find anything using bee’s as part of the canvas.  So I took a leap and reached out to two of my top artsy favorites on Etsy.  One of whom was Jahna Vashti. I asked if she might be willing to try and paint my dream - and to my delight, she accepted! With enthusiasm!  I’m so excited and grateful!  I’ll be sure to share!!!!  For now, all in divine timing.

I did happen to come across some intriguing artwork with honeybee’s in mind.  Sharing a couple of my favorites below.

"Beehive Braid" by Melissa Haslam

Bee In Your Bonnet - found posted by Neo Hippie Mama on her blog

Catherine Eyde

and below, two paintings by John K. Harrell

 

 

This photo.  It was a gift and I love it. 

 

It was taken last month while a girlfriend and I were photographing the sunset.  We were laying on the ground, soaking in every changing element, moment by moment.  She took this photo without my knowing, and entitled it "Let the Light Shine On You".

I’ve never been captured like this before.  A hidden snap of the lens while I’m in my most treasured elements of Gratitude & Reverence.

What a beautiful gift.

Thank You Dear Friend.

Also - sharing this quick read, as I can relate directly to it and maybe you can to.

Monday morning.  Fall morning.  Rain is drizzling down on an overcast day. Feels beautiful.

On Monday’s, the world is climbing out of their weekend with bed-hair and cranky skin.  Up early.  Jobs to do.  The week has begun.  I’m spoiled and like a spoiled child, I insist on doing the opposite.  All but two of my clan has left the house.  The doors have opened and closed numerous times, the chatter has left this home.  For now.  It’s quiet.  I curl up closer to my pillows, keep the shades closed, smile at the chirps of a 3 year old as he slowly engages in the day with me.  It’s a beautiful process.  A gift.  I love Mondays.

Today feels a little different though.  I’m channeling the vibrations of a friend who is up at the crack of dawn this morning with little ripples of anxiety in her pelvis.  Excitement.  Nervousness.  Sadness.  Gratitude.  Joy.  Denial of apprehensiveness.  Or.  Owning the apprehensiveness.  Each emotion is raw and real and is gratefully being bled through, heart pumping, lungs engaging, eyes observing every color, every hue.  It is the very emotion of Being.Alive.

Alive.

With Choices.

Choosing to take her seat as Goddess of the Wheel.  Choosing to look through the glass. Onward.Forward.  Putting that vehicle in gear and sensing those wheels as they begin to turn, pointed to discovery.

Power.

She doesn’t choose to be stagnant.  She doesn’t choose to be a victim.  She gives the bird to past labels or truths that were never hers to carry.  TTB baby.

Today, she is in flight.  On an adventure we may all dream of.  Her sail is secured and Brother Wind is standing by, ready & willing to sing her along her course. 

On this fall, Monday morning, I am honoring her.
Holding space in celebration of who she is and all she is about to discover of herself.
Bergamot oils are simmering in the air, a flame dancing beneath.
I hold silence, her energy dancing through my mind, my heart.
I listen to rain.  Cleansing.  Information Flowing.
I smell the Earth.  Receiving.
I touch Orange fabric of an Indian shawl.  Human Goodness.  Increased Creativity.  Healing Release.

And because she chose to make her departure with no one present, I speak from my heart energy into hers: 
DeLIGHT in the Fresh Fruit Life Has To Offer You!!  You picked a most perfect day to get started down this particular path.  It’s a Good Day for a Journey.  Thank you for touching my world with your magic.  I shall see you again very soon, where the forest touches the ocean.

 

You.Are.The Blessings.    Emerge.

  In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary.
Aaron Rose  

Had to share this picture, taken while watching the sunset with a friend.  I attached the picture in the lower corner to suggest the idea of an image I see in the sunset. 

I increased the contrast so what I saw in the picture came out more beautifully obvious.  Here is what it looked like originally:

From a non-Buddhist perspective, it brings me peace looking at this picture.  I envision peaceful light centered within myself and all that is.  It makes me want to breath a delicious deep breath and smile that feel-good smile that ridiculously won’t go away.  A cleansing feeling - taking all the dust or cluttered thoughts or daily fast movement for the sake of an agenda….AWAY.  Particles lifting and evaporating off my shoulders.  Leaving the core - the truth, what really IS.  And I remember that I am good, and I am love.  And how beautiful the world is.  And that is the ME, I enjoy being. 

I’m reminded of it when I look at this picture.  Reminded of the moment:  stomach to Earth, propped on elbows behind a wall of yellow field-flowers & grass, a girlfriend and I witnessing the sunset at every stage.  We took a lot of deep breaths, gratitude expressing. 

Here a couple other photo’s I shot that night….

"No one saves us but ourselves.  No one can and no one may.  We ourselves must walk the path."